Why I Stayed
I have been approached lately by quite a few women asking me what I think they should do about their friend who is in a violent relationship. I listen to these stories and feel helpless. I am approached because of Mary. But I wasn’t able to help her. What could I have changed? What should I have done? Was there actually anything that could have been done? I haven’t entertained these thoughts since 2/15 when I decided that the “what if’s” would not get me anywhere or help in my healing process at all. But it is still a question that is out there. Just floating around like a balloon on the wind. Sometimes it is nowhere near me and sometimes it just keeps coming back to me as the wind, time and emotions float along. For the most part I don’t entertain “what if’s”. But what if I don’t say anything and another gets hurt? Seriously injured? Traumatized? Murdered?
But how do we help other women in violent situations? Or possibly worse, non-violent situations where the abuse is so subtle it takes years to see if at all? Maybe the best way to help is to understand first. Understand why women stay. Understand why sometimes it may feel like you are bashing your head against a brick wall when you try to have a conversation with your girlfriend, sister, mother, daughter about why they deserve better. Maybe we need to understand why they stay.
I’ll start. I stayed because I truly believed that was all I was worth. I grew up in an emotionally and mentally abusive home and from a very young age was aware that I was only a burden on my mother. I often heard horror stories of my father (who was not around since I was 4, I think) and told how I would never amount to anything better than him. It was a waste of her time and energy to expect anything else. I wanted out so badly that I left immediately after high school and moved in with the first guy I met. This was a great guy. He deserves sainthood because I was so broken and fucked up all I did was spend 10 years sabotaging our relationship. Then the next one comes along. I knew it would be a train wreck, but I got on board anyway. I stayed because I felt worthless, and I was positive that I could change him because working on myself was a waste of time. All my friends loved him. Not one person from that life is currently in my life. He was funny and loving and “took care of me” they all said. But he didn’t. They didn’t see that though. I wanted what they saw to be so true I hid all the dirty shit. I hid that he had been prison. I hid that he would never have a license again in his life. I hid that he would show up with grocery carts of food he just walked out of the store with when he learned that the store had a policy that would not allow employees to go after shoplifters. I hid that my car was totaled because he took it out to go hook up at another girl’s apartment and crashed it on the way there. I even went to pick him up and said I was driving. I could go on and on about all the things that happened that I allowed to happen. To me it was OK because he loved me, and he just needed some help finding his way. When he was violent, he would come back the next day and be so kind and loving and promise me that it wouldn’t happen again if I could just stop “riding him about everything”. It made sense. If I had just shut my mouth, he would not of had a reason to get so angry at me. I mean, that is what my mother always told me too. Clearly, I was the problem. Before I continue, I want to say that I found out this guy died the same day I published the 1st blog I wrote here “It Could Be You”. When I found out I was surprised. Then the date hit me. It was also 1 year since my brother had died. Someday I will tell that story.
So, how do we start and where do we begin in our attempts to try to understand?
Distorted Thoughts~ Being controlled, hurt and witnessing violence is traumatizing. This leads to confusion, self-blame and doubting ones one thoughts. Perpetrators harass and accuse victims, which wears them down and causes despair and guilt. I went to a Human Trafficking seminar a few years ago. I had to walk out of one of the classes because they talked about how the human brain actually changes when traumatized repeatedly. If you are interested in hearing about it let me know. I will share what I have.
Damaged Self-Worth~ Some of the unfortunate distortions are the damage to the self that results from degrading treatment. If you are told anything for long enough, you will believe it.
Fear ~ The threat of bodily and emotional harm is powerful, and abusers use this to control and keep women trapped. Female victims of violence are much more likely than male victims to be terrorized and traumatized. They believe they will lose their jobs or kids. Attempting to leave an abuser is dangerous. Women can feel trapped because of her partner’s threats of “hunting me down and harming all my loved ones. The woman knows that their partner is dangerous. They fear that once the man loses control of the situation, they will take steps to prevent it. It could end up going too far. This fear is justified. Most extreme cases of physical abuse happen when the illusion of control is lost, and the man feels that they need to “punish” the woman for her misbehavior.
To Be a Savior~ Many described a desire to help or love their partners with the hopes that they could change them. There are still people, women mostly, who believe fairy tale endings. They convince themselves that their Prince Charming will make a miraculous change.
Family Expectations/Experiences~ Past experiences with violence distort their sense of self or of healthy relationships: “I watched my dad beat my mom. Then I found someone just like my dad,” or, “Because raised by animals, you partner with wolves.” Sometimes it is family and religious pressures:
Financial~ Many referred to financial limitations, and these were often connected to caring for children and or family members.
Isolation~ A common tactic of manipulative partners is to separate their victim from family and friends. Sometimes this is physical other times, isolation is emotional.
To “Keep Up Appearances” ~ It may sound like a petty reason, but this is also a common reason why women stay in abusive relationships. They strongly consider what other people would say once they learn of their predicament. Women who grew up in dominating patriarchal families frequently fall victim to this vicious circle of domestic violence. They grew up with submissive mothers and have been taught to stick to their husbands because it is the “right thing to do” as a woman.
There are probably a million more reasons, and every woman and situation are different. I wish I had an answer. I wish I had a quick fix. All I can think of is giver her time. She has to do it her way and you attempting to force it may only push her away. Let her know you care and are there for her. Build up her confidence and hope she is strong enough to get out before it is too late. And PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE if you hear or witness violence call the police! I wish I had a better answer but as far as I can see…. this is all I have for you.
The following is a great blog about the who and why. She puts it into words far better than I can.
Why do women stay in abusive relationships? - Vivian Mcgrath
