Comparison Is The Thief Of Joy

I have had a rough few weeks training and work wise. Things don’t quite seem to be going in the direction I want so I fall into the usual trap of comparison. You know how it goes, and if you say you don’t you are probably lying to yourself.  It starts with UGH and ends with tears and in the middle are all your thoughts about how you used to feel or how fast you used to be or how many miles you used to do. I am pretty sure I have had some version of this brain worm every year of my “athletic” life.

The past 9 days have been awful. I have a job that requires me to watch and redact videos for the public and court. Most of the time it is fine. For some reason last week was huge and emotionally draining. One case took 10 hours and hit awful close to the events of 2021. I came home mentally exhausted every single day then tried to train, failed, beat myself up then didn’t really eat. A recipe for a pure shit show by the weekend.

So, I stopped my ride on Sunday and cried in bed. Desperate for some answers I started thinking about why everything seems so much harder right now.

There are so many reasons I am not the same. There are even more reasons I will never be the same. I don’t need a pep talk. I don’t need to hear “you can do it”. I can’t and I won’t. The Heidi who existed in 2020 is gone. Parts of her are still here but the rest is a shell of what used to be, and I need to remember that it is ok. We are not meant to go back we are meant to move forward. It may not be what we want but the alternative is to be stagnant with zero motion.

2020 saw me flying high above my auto immune issues. I was able to lift and gain muscle, I had few symptoms of adrenal fatigue, I wasn’t perimenopausal. I was sleeping like a baby, and I was working from home which afforded me flexibility in my training. My job was less intensive and fun. I played with stats, ran numbers, and spent the time away from the office mindlessly cleaning up our RMS system. Mary was here.

I under estimated the trauma my body would go through with her loss. I knew things would never be the same, but I had not planned on how many things would never be the same. I had not prepared for my health to quickly revert backwards. I had not prepared for my brain to shut down when watching, hearing, or reading stuff at work. I had not prepared to start to look, think and feel differently about everyday common situations. I check the gym at 3am to make sure I know who is in there before I work out. I look in my review mirror almost more than I look straight ahead. I can’t run on the street. We have a new recruit and when I look at him my heart almost stops because he looks like FF.

A friend told me of a conversation she had this morning with a friend. This friend made the comment “so you are just going to shit on your Golden Egg?”. The circumstances are very different, but I started thinking that is exactly what I am doing. My Golden Egg is that I am alive and still have the ability to do what I am doing. Not as fast, not as light, with a little more meno rage and not as strong but I GET to do it.  What do I have to complain about?

Reinvention of oneself is not new. I have done it probably a dozen or more times in my 49 years. This “reinvention” was not my choice. But here I am. Trying to sit happily inside the newest version of me with a grateful heart. The reality is in 10 years from now I will probably wish I was right back here.

I mourn the loss the pre 2/12/21 Heidi but I am lucky to of had that experience at all. Statistically it was never in the cards. Mary and I knew at the time that something special was happening. Maybe that is why it happened. It would be the last hurrah we would have training together and one that would leave such great memories of us as partners in 36 hour chaos.

As always, tell your friends and family you love them. Eat the food. Go see the places and be kind to yourself. Someone wishes they were at or in the spot you are right now.