Time
This is my 4th attempt at this post. I did not save the first few drafts and maybe that was for the best. They came across as pretty negative. Something most of you already know is just me being snarky but if you do not know me very well then you would probably have taken offense to much I had to say. Who knows, the post is still young so maybe you still will :)
2021. Ugh… what I want to say is “Worst year ever”. But I made a promise to myself a very long time ago that I would never use that line and for many reasons. None of you will ever know what my younger years were really like. Those years dragged on for an eternity but listening to the negative attitude, behaviors and words dripping from my mothers lips day after day, month after month and year after year I knew one thing for certain, I did not ever want to be that person. Negativity happens. Anger, hatred, frustration happens but I don’t ever want it to rule my life or worse yet become my life. As I get older I hear people say “this was the worst year ever” more often and I still think to myself….what a shit attitude. I have also noticed that those people tend to say every year was the worst year. Don’t get me wrong. So far this has certainly been one of the worst years of my life but good has also come from it. Slowly and in ways I couldn’t see through my teary eyes at the time, little rays of lights shone through like sunlight fighting against storm clouds. I am pretty sure if those “worst year ever” people actually stopped and thought about the year they would come up with far more good than bad. Maybe not. Maybe being consumed by negativity is easier. Lord knows trying to stay positive is hard as hell at times.
Time. I have thought a lot about time lately. I recently watched a Reel on Instagram with a clever prerecorded voice that 1 million little influencer wanna be’s will use to make a clever video of themselves while trying to attract more likes and followers. Allegedly it is from Buddha but in today’s world of fake facts and quotes allegedly by others who are long since passed away or never existed to begin with, who knows. The words still struck me though no matter who actually said or thought of them.
When asked: “What’s the biggest mistake we make in life?” The Buddha replied, “The biggest mistake is you think you have time.” Time is free but it’s priceless. You can’t own it but you can use it. You can’t keep it but you can spend it. And once it’s lost, you can never get it back.
I hate to admit it but I cried when I heard this. As I lay in bed mindlessly scrolling through stupid Reels I am crying. I am sad for many reasons but I am also happy. This year certainly taught me that time is limited and fragile. I can honestly say I think about it constantly. I think about death. I think about what is left behind when we leave. I think about the fact that every moment may be the last. All the while time moves along and while people mourn for those no longer here, eventually they will be gone too and then nothing remains of us. I hate thinking about it but it fills every part of my brain daily. I wake up in the middle of the night thinking about it. It ruins happy moments because I think about how it may be the last moment. But in between those times I am able to see clearly and absorb all that is happening around me. I pull my focus away from the dark and negative and move again towards that little ray of sun peeking through the storm clouds. That is where I want to spend my time. My precious time.
I am grateful for all the good that came from a really terrible situation. Thank you to those who stuck by me. I know it hasn’t been easy but it is absolutely what I needed/need. I found new friends through Mary after her passing. People I am so grateful to have in my life. I stress less about the small stuff. I got to go back to WI in July and spend time with RP. I got to go back to CO for Christmas and enjoy the snow with B. B! Thanks the sparkly baby Jesus that I said yes to that potentially dangerous date in the woods 14 years ago. He had to deal with me while suffering through the loss of Mary too. I discovered that the few people I have kept close in my life are really far more amazing than I ever thought was possible. Through death, health issues, COVID, bank account being drained by fraud, I discovered that I am finally at a point in my life where I can truly count on those who surround me. I am fortunate but my fortune came at a cost. That cost does not equate to a “worst year”. I won’t let it distract me from the good. I hope you don’t either. I hope that if you had a terrible year you look at the good that came from the bad. It is not easy sometimes but my hope for everyone I know is that their mindset can shift or redirect for the better. Time is passing by faster as the years move along. Let’s try to look at the positive and good in the world. It is still out there. Sometimes we just get sidetracked by the negative because that voice is always loud.
So as the year 2021 comes to a close I choose to carry on as I have for the 48 previous years. Forward. No anger for the year or the events that happened with in it. There is no point in being angry. It takes away from the time I have available.
