Riding The Wave
I have a million thoughts yet none. I have 100 things I want to do today but I may get through 1 or possibly none of them. I want to talk about what is spinning around in my head but don’t want to tell anyone for fear of hearing “you sound depressed”. I was just getting past the life changing, heart stopping daily blow of Mary’s murder when the diagnosis came through. Then I had auto-immune issues post surgeries/treatment and whenever that happens the answer from Dr’s or worse yet, friends, is that it is in my head, and I just need to eat better and get some exercise. So yeah, I am depressed. 10 pounds heavier, emotional, and exhausted 24/7. Tell me you wouldn’t be.
Before I go any further yes, I am aware that millions of women had it worse than me. Yes, I am aware of how fortunate I am and yes, I am painfully aware that I had it easy. I am also aware that there are other women out there crushing races, training, and life post BC. None of that helps my current situation and only feeds that little voice in my head that is constantly, and I mean every damn minute of every day, tells me I never even had cancer and that mine doesn’t count.
So, what is next? I sit at my phone in the dark at 2am because I can’t sleep, again, googling weight gain post BC and insomnia post BC. It is all over the internet that this is common. The answer, eat less comfort food and go for walks as a soft way to get back to exercising. For those of you who do not know me I do work out. Not as much as I used to but still far more than the average person. I also eat clean and watch my macros to the point of obsession. For sleep, stop using your phone before bed, make your room dark and take out the TV to get more sleep. Seriously? Nothing else. Studies everywhere saying this is an epidemic but clearly, it is our own fault. I am immediately taken back to 2005 when I was inexplicitly gaining weight at about a pound a week till I topped out at 215#’s (while training and racing IM) and a Dr told me….. I shit you not… “try a smaller plate dear”.
I am refusing to take a certain medication for the hot flashes because I took it in 2015 for a very different reason and I gained weight relatively quickly. Back then I was told it was because I must be more social than pre-medication, so I was eating out and drinking more with friends. Not the case by the way. When I told the oncologist I won’t take it for this reason she insisted it was not the medication but something I did at the time so this time around, try to start working out just 30 minutes a day. I didn’t even respond. I just cried which led to the conversation about me needing help for depression.
As a child I was gaslighted by my mother who then taught it to my brothers, so I was surrounded by people who told me everything was my own fault. Then medically gaslit for years until I stopped and looked for practitioners who looked outside the box and always confirmed what I was going through was indeed not my fault. But post BC I have been pigeonholed back into mainstream medicine and here we go again.
Before I start this next bit, I am 100% not a feminist. Women have their skills and Men have theirs. We are not created equal we are created different and that is a good thing. I am seeing a pattern now. Female medicine tends to lean towards take this pill, get this surgery, and just deal with the side effects OR take another pill to deal with them. But no matter what, it isn’t our (medical field’s) fault that you are having health struggles. I have heard that men, especially during and post prostate cancer, can have hot flashes, lose their hair, and gain weight but we (or they) obviously do not talk about it. As a female we have no choice. We will always go through menopause if we live long enough therefore far more women will have some or all the menopausal issues that post BC women are forced into quickly and usually at a younger age than if they had not had a BC diagnosis. And all these years, decades, centuries later the answer is still the same. There is none.
So, I sit here riding the wave of off and on tears wondering if I should have gone with my gut and not listened to the opinions of others, if I should have just forged my own path or if it all would have ended up the same and the reality is, it doesn’t really matter. I am here and I need to find a way to live not just exist. I need to find a new way to get through the rough, the low energy, the I can’t tell if I am awake or asleep days and not be so hard on myself when a good day is just getting out of bed. I need to keep going to more physicians, NP’s and Naturopaths until I find the person who listens. I hope you do too. I hope you choose your health care with your feet. That you walk into possibly a new place looking for new or more answers BUT that you also walk out immediately if that person isn’t listening. Again, not a feminist, but women need to take charge and stop the gaslighting. I promise you whatever you are going through, it is not your fault.
Photos because…… duh
