A Better Place
This post is not meant to be depressing. It is meant to be a reminder. The world seems to be imploding right now and hate and fear are driving the bus. It is easy to get caught up in it. But at what price?
The holidays are typically quite difficult for me. Almost every Christmas song reminds me of a moment from my childhood that I regret, have extreme guilt over or do not want to remember. I love to decorate and have parties but having downsized to a much smaller place across the country means I no longer have those fun activities to distract me from memories of Christmas past.
This year seems a bit more difficult, but it has been a slow roll into the holiday despair, and I almost forgot it is about to be December in a few days. Then yesterday it all hit. Kids, cancer is damn expenssive even if you do have insurance. I feel like I am 20 again and sliding sideways into every other Friday’s paycheck hoping I don’t hit the curb too hard. Food costs more, gas costs more, medical bills oh and then the car breaks down so there’s $900 gone. Stress, lack of sleep, lack of hormones and my adrenal system burning out and the sudden loss of a wonderful, fun lady all came crashing down last night. And hard.
“She is in a better place” is a hard thing to comprehend for someone who does not have a lot of faith in a higher power/God. What can be better than being alive and feeling sunshine on your face? What can be better than sitting and watching the night sky or riding a bike?
Finding out about Linda’s passing on Saturday afternoon hit me hard. I was a bit taken aback when I realized I was struggling to get through the day on Monday. And the thought of a better place. That has never been comforting to me however that seems to be a common response to her death. After Mary’s death my thoughts about dying escalated to a new high. With a lot of therapy and EMDR it seemed to get easier and I was thinking about it less. Then Saturday night all those thoughts came back but ten fold. I started a new post cancer medication so I am sure that it is a combination of all the things happening in my body but now death seems so front and center and I can’t help but wonder what the point of it all is. What is the point of working hard to have a career and attempt to make more money when I could die 1 year after retirement. What is the point of racing and training and attempting great things when in 50 let alone 100 years nobody will know or care who the fuck I was. What the hell is a better place?
B and I were hoping going to IMAZ last week would light a fire under my butt and help me find motivation to want to do ….well….anything to be honest, not just Ironman. But it didn’t. I felt nothing in the way of wishing I was the one racing or that finishline feel one can easily get watching people accomplish this huge goal. I came home just as unmotivated and all over the place as I have been for months. {Side note- I Taryn had a horrible crash a few minutes into the bike and I am so happy she is alive and well. Girl…… }
In yesterday’s session we talked about what a better place would look like to me, within reason given that I cannot change my current health or money situation. I thought about this all night as I lied awake till 12am, 1:30 am, 3 am.
I still do not believe that death equates to a better place. Maybe in the future but for now, most certainly not. But maybe another “better place” can just be a kinder gentler treatment of my mind and body. Maybe a better place is ultimately where I want to be, running and biking long again, but if that takes another 6 or 12 months maybe just “being” is a better place. Giving grace when more sleep is needed. Allowing a ride to be at a super low heart rate and being OK with it. Just sitting outside enjoying the sun on my face instead of crushing a workout. When I was at the Sheriff’s Office my Sergeant said “Videto, you are going to struggle when you find yourself in a position where you can’t work out and run away from your problems”. Sergeant Wildermuth…. you were correct. This is a tough spot.
Back to Linda. The last time I saw her I was less than pleasant. I was having a bad day, and my mood was rotten. I can still see her in my doorway smiling back at me and telling me that I may not be feeling great but that I looked beautiful. The memory has me tearing up as I write it. I am so thankful that I took a few minutes the week of Thanksgiving to apologize for my mood that day and wish her a wonderful Thanksgiving. Her last text to me was that she was looking forward to us both getting back to the gym and “working our little hearts out together”.
A few lessons in life are tough ones to learn. This one was easy. Be kind. Don’t hold grudges. Tell the people you love and care about how you feel. Apologize and give forgiveness when needed. We all have friends and the reality is one of the 2 of you will have to grieve the loss of the other. Don’t grieve having regrets. Say the words and say them swiftly. We are all here for a blink in time and mayve we could all be in a better place if we just let go of some of the heaviness.
