Relentless Forward Progress 2.0
4 years ago I blogged about relentless forward progress. The BFF had sent me a video of Hillary Biscay at a speaking engagement and it really resonated with me. I wrote about how after years of being sick I was not going to squander away the time I had while feeling well. I am pretty sure I was training for my return to IM.
Fast forward 4 plus years. I have changed. The world has changed. My friends have changed. I’ve added 2 and lost one.
Relentless Forward Progress has also changed. I still work hard and train hard but it looks very different. I feel I am still striving for my 2022 goal in a familiar way yet it is glaringly obvious that it is also very very different. The term “Relentless Forward Progress” has always been associated with training for me. As Hillary said:
“The person who works hardest does win in the end IF IF IF IF you are willing to keep showing up longer and again and again and again after everyone else has given up. May take twice as long but you can’t stop relentless forward progress.”
I highly recommend you watch this classic video from HPB if you haven’t already.
Hilary Biscay | Revitalize | How To Believe In Yourself When No One Else Will - Bing video
So how is it different? For one I no longer have the woman, bff, bestie, coach and #1 ( tied with B) supporter there anymore. Everything that that has been a factor in me pushing forward since 2010 has had Mary all over it. My health, my mindset, my belief that there truly are people who want to be my friend without an agenda and my ability to WANT to talk to someone almost everyday ( I have struggled with having open and honest conversation’s with people my whole life). The very bike I love and adore I have because of her. The friends I have made are because of her. Being a part of Biscay Coaching ( a dream I had way back when Hillary very first announced she would be taking on a few athletes) is because of her. How do you move forward when someone’s fingerprints are literally all over the place still? How do you move forward when your goals are tied and bound deeply with that person? How do you wade through the shitstorm of grief that hits when you least expect it and usually at the worst possible time? Relentlessly.
But to be honest it is by far one of the hardest things I have ever done. I feel like I take 1 step forward then 2 back. I feel great then lost. I feel progress then decline. I feel hopeful then helpless sometimes at the same time. It really is amazing and terrifying how grief is processed by the human body. For me it is in a decline of health (that I worked so hard to get up to par) and weight gain. TBH I am fine with the weight gain. The health stuff sucks. So here I am. Here we are. I know I am not the only one feeling this way. Feeling the need to cover up my emotions because nobody will understand., To be clear I hope you never have to understand or feel what it is like to lose someone in such a violent manner. I am not discrediting your grief it is just that I am truly only concerned with mine. Because that is what it is. All consuming and mine. So during one of my all consuming grief spells I did a little research. You know because crying is good and why not wallow in the despair while it is giving you a pounding headache.
*The pain will go away faster if you ignore it
Fact: Trying to ignore your pain or keep it from surfacing will only make it worse in the long run. For real healing, it is necessary to face your grief and actively deal with it. Apparently eating all the Sour Patch Kids and drinking all the Tito’s is in fact NOT ignoring or dealing with it.
*It’s important to “be strong” in the face of loss.
Fact: Feeling sad, frightened, or lonely is a normal reaction to loss. Crying doesn’t mean you are weak. You don’t need to “protect” your family or friends by putting on a brave front. Showing your true feelings can help them and you. I hate to cry in front of others yet……
*If you don’t cry, it means you aren’t sorry about the loss.
Fact: Crying is a normal response to sadness, but it’s not the only one. Those who don’t cry may feel the pain just as deeply as others. They may simply have other ways of showing it. Like riding you bike for too long or lifting angry for 2 hours.
*Grieving should last about a year.
Fact: There is no specific time frame for grieving. How long it takes differs from person to person.
*Moving on with your life means forgetting about your loss.
Fact: Moving on means you’ve accepted your loss—but that’s not the same as forgetting. You can move on with your life and keep the memory of someone or something you lost as an important part of you. In fact, as we move through life, these memories can become more and more integral to defining the people we are. And damn it if this won’t be a part of me for the rest of my life.
There are 5 stages of grief. Denial, Anger, Bargaining ( I never reached this one), Depression and Acceptance. Denial hit hard and for a few weeks. It is terribly hard to come to grips with death in the first place. Senseless murder is a horrific shock. It still is. It will be forever. I am also past the anger stage. I realize that there is no use in being angry anymore. That may have been different had FF ( my acronym for the less than human who did this-use your imagination) not decided to take his own life. Depression. Ugh….the worst. Depression has a beautiful way of masking itself at times. You think you are fine and moving along through life easily to have someone pull you aside and ask if you are ok. Or nobody asks anything because they are scared to ask or talk about it and you are left alone with your thoughts. And anyone who knows me well ( all 3 of you) know that my thoughts can be dark AF.
What isn’t talked about often are the physical symptoms of grief. Fatigue, nausea, a compromised immune system, aches, pains, insomnia, rashes, headaches or my favorite…hair loss and moments when my breath is literally taken away. I now know what that saying means and feel like.
So as I try to navigate the messy world of grief I decided to try something new. Not necessarily totally new to me but new enough. Taryn Spates who many of you know and LOVE ( check out her blog here T (tarynspates.com) ) has been gently nudging me to post and sell my photo’s online. I thought about it often but never really dove into looking at the how or what that looks like until last week. I think the best way for me to deal with this grief will be again…through Relentless Forward Progress. This site will give me an opportunity to, at some point, sell my photo’s for the many of you who have asked and to share my thoughts on what life post Mary Knott looks like. I hope this creative outlet will help me heal in a safe and productive environment while I navigate what the next year looks like. Because the photo’s are up and ready I will need to be creative and find new places to photograph. I will not always be doom and gloom in the blogs haha! I have a lot of bike time to get in before July 2022. But that story is for another day. For now….time to keep moving forward while looking fondly at what is behind me. After all, the price of love is grief.
