I Love You,I Miss You

Four birthdays and nearly four years have passed since we lost you, and yet, today, the eve of what would have been your 48th birthday feels just as painful, as if the world hasn’t moved on. Time has a way of shifting grief—some days it’s quieter, more distant, but on days like today, it roars back to the surface, reminding me of the empty space you left behind.

Your birthday should be a celebration of life, but instead, it’s a brutal reminder that you are gone. The cruelty of your murder lingers in the air, sharp and unforgiving.It is less harsh but somehow I still can’t help but replay that day in my mind, the moment when everything changed, when your life was stolen. The anger, the disbelief, the helplessness all comes flooding back as if it just happened yesterday.

What hurts most is the absence of what could have been—the years of memories we’ll never have with you, the conversations we’ll never share. The places we will never go. I am reminded of the laughter, the inside jokes, the quiet moments that only the two of us could understand. Those moments now feel like they belong to someone else’s life.

The silence aches. No phone call to wish you happy birthday, no chance to hear your voice or share your big day’s highlights. Your absence is felt in everything—the places we used to visit together (I hate the Grand Canyon now), the things we would have done, the simple joy of your company.

Three years later, we’ve learned to carry the weight of the loss, but it never truly gets easier. On days like today, that weight becomes unbearable. It’s hard not to feel a deep sense of injustice, as if the world owes us answers, a sense of closure that will never come.

In the midst of this sorrow, I find myself holding onto the good memories, trying to honor your memory in some small way. During a hard HIIT or WOD you’d always wonder why other wouldn’t even try something hard or new. I’m trying all the hard things bff. No matter what we do, it will never feel like enough. There’s a hollow space that nothing can fill, a wound that no amount of time can heal.

Your birthday will always be a reminder of love that will never fade. No matter how many years pass, your memory will stay with us all, a bittersweet presence in your heart, forever marked by the tragedy of her loss.

I love you

I miss you

Happy Birthday bff