The Shift

It happens to all of us. A shift. A shift in time, a shift in friends, a shift in work, a life shift.

I am aware of all the shifts in my life (lives). I remember times, places, friendships like they were yesterday, and a song can bring those memories back so vividly it hurts. Sometimes I long for the good old days until I remember, they were not really that good. They were plagued with drama, alcohol and bad relationships. But the good moments… man they were so good.

Before this year I do not think I was aware of a shift while it was happening. I was busy carrying on with life and just trying to survive. It is only in hindsight that I can see it. I think that is why this new “shift” particularly hurts. I AM in the good old days. This one I can see and feel coming, and I am not a fan.

My life has consisted of a series of “lives” as I have said before. I spent a lot of time trying to figure out who I wanted to be adopting and adjusting to what I thought would bring me happiness. I finally found it about 6 years ago. That does not mean everything was rainbows and unicorns it just means I finally realized who I was and what kind of human I wanted to be. I settled into a flow with work, training, and life. I had a vision and I was excited to move in that direction.

Over the last few months I started to feel the shift coming. I tossed it up to many factors but the reality is it is yet again another and I cannot ignore that everything is about to change whether I want it to or not. I cannot control anything other than my own behavior and my own actions. So, I have succumbed to letting it all happen albeit quite hard this round. It has been a lesson in truly going with the flow and I am not that flowy.

The biggest disappointment for me is the change in friendships. It is a good reminder of why I have kept my circle tight for so long. I am sick of loss and, at least for me, when I start to loose someone I considered a friend or confidant I internalize the pain and doubt all my actions as a friend. I am working on this but deeply rooted in me is the constant belief that I am the problem, and I am not good enough. Therapy helps but it takes time.

I struggle with change. I spent so many years trying to create something stable and fighting it when it did not turn out the way I had hoped. I long to live out the rest of my life exactly the way it is. It is not possible. Things will continue to happen and shifts will keep coming. So I guess the only thing to do is pivot. Remember who I am and what direction I want to go in. Head down and doing the work. Another 1st in a lifetime of many. I surely didn’t plan on this being my 50th year.

But it is my 50th year. I was 21 when my mother turned 50. I remember wanting so badly to not be like her. I didn’t want the anger, this constant negativity and being a victim of everyone else. I wanted to be free and light. I remember a having a conversation with her in NY. I thought I had found my life then too. House, cars, college degree fresh off the press. I had it all. She was miserable and angry. It should have been her. But I stole that from her. I am not sure how but apparently I was conceived by immaculate conception :). I hated every minute of that moment. I wanted to run away. I wanted to stop ever having to hear this conversation again. So, I did. I never talked or saw her again. A shift that changed my life for better or worse.

So maybe this shift is good. I may be losing friends and my job may not go the direction I had hoped but I am getting healthy. I am clearing the dust and seeing through it with clearer eyes. Taking time to reflect on the good of the last few years but the work on the bad and uncomfortable is a shift for the positive. And since I can feel it happening, I won’t have to look back and wonder what happened. I am now aware that not all shifts have to entail loss. 50th year plan: Gain everything that makes my body and heart happy. Leave the rest behind. That was so Last Shift.